


Scratches

by returnbydeath



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Exploring the Concept of Subaru Self-Harming, Hurt/sort of comfort, Originally based off a Fan-Comic, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:21:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24445762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/returnbydeath/pseuds/returnbydeath
Summary: On the long journey in order to reach the Pleiades Watchtower to meet the Sage Shaula, Julius shows up for nightly guard duty. Subaru forgets, and he's not ready to be confronted.[As in the tags, this story is pretty much all from this one fan comic: https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/80081449#big_0 so go read it (it's in Japanese) if you want to.]
Comments: 16
Kudos: 151





	Scratches

The gentle crackling of the fire nearby helps Natsuki Subaru keep his eyes open on this dark and cold night. Deserts are so unusual, Subaru thought. Scorching heat hitting your skin from the sun during the day, and extremely cold winds, enough to make the air cloud up with your breath. Sand making you go crazy as well, that's probably.. not that normal in a regular desert back home. 

Back home..

Subaru's chest squeezed itself in a tough reminder of what a terrible situation his parents would be in at this moment. He's so happy, happy to take everything for himself, he's so selfish..

"Haa," He let out a freezing gust of air from his mouth, subconsciously rolling his left hand's sleeves up. He does this too much, he thinks to himself, and then the thoughts come racing back into his head. Of his countless deaths, filled with searing pain, grief, tragedy and loss, painted with a fresh layer of blood each time, and the memories engraved themselves into his head. He'd never forget, and he hated it, he hated it so much, how he couldn't tell anyone, couldn't share his pain.

Subaru winced as his fingernails made sharp contact with his arm's skin, not being careful at all as he dragged his hand across his arm's skin, tearing open healing scars of when he's done it before, only last night. He felt awful that he was groaning over this, when he's let his friends experience much worse. He's experienced much worse.

The boy hates pain. And it's so out of character for him to do this, but in his head, he believes that he deserves this pain, for the unbearable amount of pain and loss he's caused his friends. Subaru was close to crying. But if he made a noise, he might wake the others up. They can't find him doing this.. especially not Beatrice. He can't waste her mana over something so trivial.

The noise of footsteps filled the air as Subaru struggled to tug down his sleeve. He managed to do it, however, and forced a smile on his face. He's had to do this so many times, that it's not even an issue to him. Fake smiles are near enough what Subaru looks like when he actually smiles. And deep down, the boy thinks he's sad for that, but it's necessary.

"Subaru?" A manly voice called out within the near darkness, and it's clear he's trying to keep as quiet as possible as to not disturb other people's rest. As the figure drew closer to the campfire, Subaru managed to make out Julius' silhouette slowly coming into view. He kept a forced smile as he remembered about what he was doing in the first place, and waved to Julius.

"It's time for you to take over already?" Subaru whispered in a neutral tone, and Julius, not detecting any usual fake hostility in his voice, smiled back, not noticing the other boy's faked one. "Indeed."

A silence takes over for a moment as Julius sits next to Subaru, right next to the campfire, warming himself up momentarily before going to speak, however, he kept his mouth shut as he didn't want to ruin the mood.

A few moments pass and Subaru's staring into the campfire, beginning another conversation, "Night after night, it.. does get tiring." Julius perked his head up at the start of a conversation, and kept silent again, having nothing to say back.

Subaru added, a hopeful voice taking over his previous fed-up one, "When I think about Emilia-tan and the others though, it's not so bad, is it?" 

"So, are you going to sleep now?" Julius placed his hand on his lap, avoiding Subaru's gaze as he also turned to face the flames, still burning away despite the cold winds threatening to blow it out any second. In response to Julius, Subaru nodded, Julius looking straight at him to acknowledge his nod, and shortly nodded back. 

But, unfortunately for Subaru, things weren't going to go his way tonight.  
As he went to grab the water bottle sat down next to him, his left arm's sleeve pulled up slightly, enough to reveal the countless whitened scars and recent scratches covering his entire arm. "..Ah-"

"Don't look..!" 

The boy tried to cover his arm with anything in sight, but to no avail. Julius had already noticed.

His eyes widened in shock, and unsure of what to do, he grabbed Subaru's arm and sat him back down.

"..Subaru.." He tried to find words, eventually scraping together a sentence. "Did.. you do this to yourself?" And in response, the shame-filled Subaru drooped his head to face the sand beneath him, and Julius' previous smile formed into a concerned frown. Due to Subaru not answering, Julius put his hand on Subaru's shoulder, making sure to be gentle as to not injure him any more.

"Stay right here. I'll get the first-aid kit.."  
Subaru had countless things on his mind, his heart racing, close to the feeling he gets whenever he claims he can ‘Return by Death’ in front of his friends. For one, he despised himself even more, wanted to scratch more, how could he let Julius know? Only Beatrice should know, and then he doesn’t.. have to be concerned. No one should have to endure more pain because of his stupidity and inability to hide things.

Hating himself, scorning himself for everything he's done, Subaru went to tuck his head into his knees. Part of him wanted to just run away into the vast desert, but he knew that doing that would just embarrass and hurt him even more. Why, when everyone else was so strong, did he have to do this to himself, and more importantly, why did Julius have to know, Subaru thought. He guessed in his mind however that if Emilia knew he'd never hear the end of it. 'Make sure you're looking after yourself!' and 'let me see your arms, Subaru'. He'd have little to no other way of getting his mind out physically other than his notebook, which made him feel no better. He just wished he could share his experiences, share his pains with others. But that's a burden too, Subaru sighed, forcefully dragging his head out of his knees and watching the worriedly approaching silhouette of Julius. 

As he sat down, and painfully for Subaru, began to treat his wounds as gently as possible, which was unusual for Julius. He was so used to the purple-haired boy to act courteous and prideful, however right now he was concerned, and maybe.. frustrated? Either way, Subaru felt awful for inconveniencing him.

"..Subaru," Julius hesitated before speaking his next words, as if he was aware Subaru was on the verge of breaking down, of course, this was a shock for him too. "Why would you do something like that?" 

Subaru's head was turned towards Julius, still focusing on carefully wrapping his deep, bleeding scratches with bandages, waiting for an answer. Subaru paused for a minute before responding, "It's.. not started just recently. It's a habit." He turned his head downwards in shame of doing something so unknightly, even if it wasn't before Emilia, and something so selfish. He began to spill more eventually, feeling more comfortable with talking with someone only he remembered, as sad as that fact was. "Once I hurt myself, I.. can't stop."

"Beatrice is the only one who knows, so.." Subaru delayed his next words, slowly becoming more comfortable with looking up at Julius, who had kindly finished wrapping his arm in fresh bandages from a spare first-aid kit. "Please don't say anything. To anyone." Subaru felt a weight being dropped upon his chest as he saw Julius, his brows furrowed and mouth in a concerned frown. 

He put his hand on Subaru's other shoulder, unaware that more scratches lay beneath the sleeve. "Of course I won't." The boy continued, "Adding more things to worry about wouldn't be wise, and.. this is your problem. All I can do is help prevent your wounds from getting worse." Julius paused once again, filling the air with deadly silence, which sent chills down Subaru's spine, half from the cold, and half being upset that he had to worry Julius with this. The man had enough to worry about, his Name has been stolen, he has been forgotten from the world. Only Subaru of all people in his life remember him at all, and.. this wasn't the best situation for them both to get in. 

"Just.. a little first aid. That's right, I can't.. do anything." Julius mumbled the last part, as if wanting Subaru to not hear it, however he still did, due to the otherwise silence in the air of the desert, and the cold atmosphere made it worse for the two. 

"Juliu-" Subaru went, and he was cut off by the other boy nearby. "Well, I've finished with giving you first-aid, Subaru. I'd prefer if you didn't injure yourself again," He paused once again, hesitating before speaking his next words in a gentle tone of voice, "I don't have.. anyone except you.. no one but you." 

Of course, Julius was referring to his Name being stolen. Subaru felt awful for him, although he pretended to hate his guts in front of the others, he genuinely felt awful that Julius had to go through this. And on top of him learning that he self-harms, God, what else could make the poor guy's day any worse?

"..Sorry," Subaru apologised, "This is out of character for both of us." He pulled his sleeve down again, trying to help with Julius' current mental state and his own as well, dragging his knees into his chest. He hated himself, so much, although he'd never say it out loud. He felt so sick so often, forcing himself to smile after an extremely rough day, or an extremely rough memory reforming in his mind. He couldn't stop himself from saying 'I'll be back soon', going to the toilet and shortly after, vomiting and scratching himself on his arms, repeating in his mind how much he despised himself, how he couldn't save anyone or even himself.

"That body doesn't belong to you alone, that sort of thing?" Julius replied with a joking tone, trying to lighten up the mood for the better. Subaru took it well, obviously, "Gross, man, don't say stuff like that." Julius shortly and quietly chuckled in response.

"So, I'll leave the next watch to you, then?" Julius nodded in response to Subaru's question, "Well, then, I'm going right to sleep."

"Ah, please do that." Julius nodded his head up and down again, agreeing with Subaru's choice to sleep. It's been a long night, for him especially, and nothing would probably be better for him right now other than to go to sleep. "And don't sleep in." Julius' reminder made Subaru snort, "As if!"

\-----------------------------------------

As Subaru was taking the short walk back to the dragon carriage, holding everyone inside including Gyan, Patrasche, Emilia, Beatrice, Anastasia, Ram and Meili. He thought to himself, that it's a bit awkward sleeping in a carriage full of girls. But he shrugged at the thought, resolving it quickly with the solution of 'hug Beako'.

Halfway there, Subaru stopped and whispered to himself, "..Ah, he could tell with a glance. I can't be this careless next time."

The sounds of scratching hit the air.


End file.
